Is “Pressure a Privilege” or a Prison?
His mouth was pressed to her ear as they walked together in rapid fashion. She stared straight ahead, shoulders high, uncomfortable with the hotness of his breath. Despite her discomfort, his mouth remained until he was forced to retract. “Batter up!” Not a couple strolling down the street but my daughter and her softball coach en route to the batter’s box. Barking instructions, he resisted the urge to rip the bat from her hands so he could serve as the designated hitter. “Keep your elbows down. Bat high. Level up.”
If Peyton failed to make contact with the ball, he would resume this position - and a sharper tone - as she crawled back to the dugout.
Watching this man staple his mouth to my daughter’s ear, I wanted to scream. Just like her Mother, Peyton is her harshest critic. It was as if I had crawled inside her, the pressure pounding on every muscle, tightening with every breath. I looked down at my lap to disguise my watering eyes. My clenched fists barricaded beneath my thighs to prevent injury to myself or others.
You are going to crush her. Back off. Let her be. Please!
On the field or in the office, who does their best work when under the thumb of another? I don’t. I used to work for a CEO that called me - multiple times - every weekend. I never knew when or why so I failed to fully decompress while spending time with my family. Was a client threatening termination? Did an investor threaten him? Was payroll in jeopardy? Nope. None of these things. Typically, he was playing big brother, watching the poor use of his platform by one of our clients and demanding that we re-educate him/her/they immediately.
I was not the lone recipient of our CEO’s frantic outreach. It was a Monday morning ritual with my colleagues to share our crazy call stories. Marcy was the envy of us all as she was a pro at picking up the phone and immediately putting the call behind her in order to enjoy the duration of her day. Why did it take me hours to do the same?
According to Nick Petrie, co-author of the book Work Without Stress, “pressure is not stress. But, the former is converted to the latter when you add one ingredient: rumination, the tendency to keep rethinking past or future events, while attaching negative emotion to those thoughts.”
Rumination. Meet the Queen. I was thinking about those damn weekend phone calls before, during AND after. Was it my attempt at control? I detest surprises so if I can map out every potential scenario, I’ll be mentally prepared for any challenge faced. Despite my best efforts, our CEO successfully surprised me 90% of the time. Every phone call was followed by cursing and me contemplating the situation for hours thereafter.
It makes me sick to think of the number of days stolen by rumination. The number of conversations that never left the inside of my head. Time lost with my daughter. My husband. My friends.
Thankfully, Nick has tricks - in which I’ve added my own two cents - to prevent us from falling down the rabbit hole of rumination.
Wake Up: While President of Commission Junction, I commuted 60 miles each way from my home in Thousand Oaks, CA to our offices in beautiful Santa Barbara. This journey included one of the most beautiful stretches of Highway 101 as the ocean tried to get my attention for 30 miles of the drive. Most days, I had no recollection of the commute nor my surroundings, rumination ruling my brain.
Snap out of it. Focus on the present. Return to your youth by seeking out a selected color on long drives and walks. Play the license plate game. As Nick says, “reconnect with the world,” which may require physical movement such as clapping your hands, moving your body, etc. What do you hear, smell, see and taste?
I had the privilege of working for former Major League Baseball player, Shawn Green, at a start-up that he co-founded called Greenfly. When on deck, he would slam his bat against his cleats to exit his head and lean into the physical. Being present is critical when you are the primary focus of 40,000+ fans!
Control Your Attention: I had no control as to when our CEO would call me. But, I could control my reaction. I could establish boundaries and block his call to return it when it was most convenient for me. Admittedly, I feared such a boundary would reflect poorly on my work ethic along with my willingness to “do whatever it takes.” Or, instead of story swapping with my colleagues, I could brainstorm with our CEO to identify a better approach to managing these moments of anxiety for both of us.
If your mind enters obsessive mode, Nick suggests “drawing a circle on a page and writing down all of the things you can control - or influence - inside of it. All of the things you cannot outside of it. Remind yourself that you can care about externalities — your work, your team, your family — without worrying about them.”
Put Things in Perspective: I’m watching the U.S. Open as I write this in which Billie Jean King is being honored for successfully fighting for equal pay in tennis 50 years ago. One of her infamous quotes is showcased every match, including my favorite of “pressure is a privilege.” Coco Gauff expanded upon this awesome phrase in a recent press conference stating, “too many families have no idea when they’ll see their next meal. The fact that I get to play a sport I love...is a privilege.”
Yes it is.
Nick also recommends that you pose the following question, “how much will this moment in time matter in three years?” In short, take a breath, a step back and break out of your bubble. A former colleague used to yell through the halls of affiliate marketing company Be Free, “we’re not saving lives, people!” I wish our digital marketing platform rescued those challenged by death but it did not.
Let Go: This one is the hardest. How does one find peace when faced with a difficult situation or individual? Our CEO was not going to change so I needed to accept him as is or leave. To stop the hamster wheel of thought, Nick also recommends asking yourself, “what have I learned from this experience” and “is there an action to be taken?” One client in particular was a repeat, weekend offender. I suggested to the customer success rep that we contact the client before the weekend to understand their intended use of the platform and provide a brief tutorial, if necessary. The CEO calls didn’t stop but they were cut in half.
Yoga, meditation, journaling and therapy are also excellent tools in learning to let go. I do them all!
Peyton faced a full count, three balls and two strikes. Unless she fouled out, the next pitch would be the decider. I couldn’t watch. I heard the bat meet the ball with a crack. My head snapped back to find its place in flight. The shortstop jumped, stretching her body to its maximum potential. The ball soared just beyond her glove. She rounded first base and raced on, bringing her teammate home. Like a traffic guard, the third base coach stopped Peyton in her tracks at second. Her shoulders dropped, we locked eyes and she broke out in a big smile.
On the drive home, I asked her, “how did you do it? Perform under his thumb?” She sighed in response. “Mom, the coach has control issues, which have nothing to do with me. I just do what I can do.” From that point forward, I stopped projecting and started loving my girl at the plate, strikes et al.
Congratulations to Coco Gauff on her first major title win!