My Drug of Choice — kerri pollard

Like a string of cooked spaghetti draped on a fork, I was caught on a poor sapling with skis still glued to my boots. If I was at yoga, my posture would have been an impressive one. On the side of a mountain with no leverage or assistance in sight, it was painful. I had followed my husband into a tunnel of trees, who breezed through the aspens and pines as if they were invisible, vanishing from view.

I was all alone.

Repeatedly, I tried to launch my body upright, only to topple back onto my new found friend, taking tree hugging to the nth degree. It failed to provide me the necessary leverage but I was thankful for its diminutive size, saving me from Sonny Bono’s fate. With a loud roar to fire up my core, I performed the largest side crunch of my life and extracted myself from its grasp. My obliques breathed a big sigh of relief. The tree, not so lucky. Any hope it had of capturing the love and attention of a Charlie Brown was banished by my body weight. No Christmas specials for you my friend. Apologies.

I was exhausted, disheveled and defeated but thankful to have all limbs intact. No ski patrol with sleds in tow required. Like a snail, I cautiously made my way down the mountain to the chairlift responsible for transporting me to the site of entanglement. My confidence killed in the trees. I emerged to find my husband, looking like a North Face ambassador, waiting with concern. “What happened!?” The fresh scratch on my face spoke volumes but I responded, “I followed you.”

While sky high on the chairlift, I pondered, “why am I constantly putting myself in situations where I don’t feel good enough?” My goal for the 2024 ski season was to become more proficient at skiing trees. Why? Do other 51-year old women establish similar goals, especially ones that broke seven bones during the previous ski season? Why can’t I find joy at my current level vs. pushing myself to the next one, fueling the “less than” sentiment? Is it healthy or harmful trying to be exceptional at all that you do?

When I posed this question to my therapist, she surmised that this behavior was most likely tied to my relentless pursuit for approval. I should have known. Even in my retired state, the approval junkie strikes again. Fug.

Growing up in Green Bay, it was all boys on our block. Skateboarding and BMX bikes dominated the streets in the Summer and snowboarding would take over as the first flake fell on the mole hills of upper Michigan. “Ski Brule - the best mountain in the Midwest!” Camped out on the curb with our locks feathered like Farah Fawcett, my best friend Maureen and I spent hours watching, whistling and waiting for male attention. There may have been a crush or two, but I was fixated on their athletic prowess and no fear attitude as they skillfully executed trick after trick.

In search of the boys’ acceptance and approval, Maureen and I were challenged to rise from the curb and discover our own demonstrable skills. Our toolbox of skateboard tricks failed to extend beyond the nose pickup. But, give us a board, jump rope and a ten speed, we were Michael J. Fox on the hoverboard in Back to the Future. Flying over potholes and pavement cracks while screaming “faster, faster” to the designated driver was a daily ritual during the Summer of 1985. It took weeks of honing our craft but we finally heard those golden words of validation from the gaggle of guys, “holy shit you’re going fast!” Maureen and I looked at each other, smiled and yelled, “hell yeah!”

We were in…assuming we survived the duration of the Summer. ;)

Flash forward to meeting my husband. Raised in Southern Vermont on skis, dirt bikes and race cars, Daryl is also an exceptional athlete. Surprise, surprise, I married one of the boys from the block. At the onset of our courtship 25 years ago, I have vivid memories of parading my alpine skis through the living room. “Look at me and my skis!” This attempt at flirtation failed to register as a critical attraction factor as Daryl has no recollection of this performance. Watching him expertly maneuver a snowmobile on the Canadian trails or launch his jetski on the ocean-like waves of Lake Winnipesaukee were definitely factors for me. My father-in-law once asked, “is it your life mission to beat Daryl at just one sport?” Not exactly. Securing his athletic approval trumped beating him at a specific sport as it served as a source of self-esteem.

My approval pattern followed me like a golden retriever as I embarked on my career, IQ replacing that of athletic prowess. Superior intellect along with an Ivy League degree were the targets of my mission. If an individual possessing this pedigree chose to employ me, collaborate with me or invite me to lunch, I must be smart too! This inclusion quieted any conflicting thoughts or memories of Mrs. Roy berating me in the presence of my fourth grade peers for failing to construct a pentagon on my goddamn geoboard. When my prey was a superior or individual of influence, I justified my approval-seeking actions as a necessary evil to guarantee the success of my responsible team. More often than not, I was right. Budget approvals, salary bumps and promotional opportunities are synonymous with having your manager in your hand. While at Commission Junction, I earned four promotions over the course of eight years, becoming the youngest President of a division at 35 years of age.

The pursuit of approval can also punch you in the gut. Still working in Boston, I had inherited a new boss and his first order of business was to collect the executive team’s feedback re: the state of the business AND one another. To be handwritten, we were assured all responses would be kept anonymous. You see where this is going? Shame on me for failing to question the handwritten component as I dutifully responded with my brutal feedback. “Aye, aye Captain - let’s get this ship back on course!” As the only team member on the East Coast, I was forced to scan and send my pages to Cali. The following week, he reviewed the pages - adorned with my very distinct handwriting - with each of my West Coast peers, face-to-face. One of these peers was my former manager, mentor and friend. Oomph. I too received several harsh comments but being over 1,000 miles away, I had no insight into the source as the pages were hidden from view.

Despite dozens of apologies, I deservedly lost a friend. A true friend would have delivered the feedback directly, not via the lips of a drooling demon. My approval-seeking self feared that such feedback would implode our friendship. Instead, I sought the approval of another by selling my soul to the devil. It was a vicious cycle.

It was not by choice to work for the Captain. He had replaced our previous manager and none of us had the privilege of interviewing him prior to assuming the helm. Interview or no interview, his actions quickly proved to contradict our previously-held value system. Some left. Some fired. Some stayed and played the game. Operating in the last camp, yours truly was ultimately chosen as his successor following his own promotion. Hate the game, not the player. I’m such an asshole.

To be successful, one of the unwritten rules of the game is that you will NEED the approval and support of your superiors. Shocker, I know. Value alignment is key to keeping your integrity intact. When your values are aligned with the company and culture, seeking the approval of others will be in support of your authentic self today and the person you want to become tomorrow. Are you asking the right questions during the interview process to help ensure such alignment? Have you spoken to former employees to get the good, the bad and the ugly? I can count on one hand how many calls I’ve received re: previous employers.

Below are some sample questions:

What is the feedback culture at Company X? Is there a formal review process? If so, what is the frequency? Does it include 360-degree reviews? Does the CEO participate? Does the company engage in forced ranking? Do salary adjustments occur together or separate from the review process? On the daily, how is constructive feedback delivered? Can you give me an instance when an employee disagreed with a member of the executive team? How was that information received and addressed?

When was the last time that Company X was forced to do a layoff? In the spirit of privacy, what were the termination factors and how was the news delivered? What was the severance package?

What is the role of human resources at Company X? Are they driving business decisions or merely supporting them? Do they have a seat at the executive table? Are they a key stakeholder in organizational design?

If you HAD to change one thing about the CEO (and your manager-to-be), what would it be?

What is the process for making critical decisions? Such decisions could include sunsetting products or projects, new strategic initiatives, budget approvals, etc. Who is involved in such decisions? How are they communicated to the rest of the organization?

How does the management team communicate more broadly? What is the cadence of communication and how is it delivered? Are they open to Q&A sessions? How often does the executive team “walk the halls” or visit remote offices?

Tell me about a time when Company X was under significant pressure (i.e., earning targets missed, etc.). What changed to get the organization back on track? New goals? New hires? New attitudes?

I encourage others to provide additional questions via the comments section of this platform.

I skied by myself several times this season. No trees. No fear. Just fun. Admittedly, I got bored after a bit and was chomping for a challenge, but refrained in lieu of safety. I’m happy to report that my skills have significantly improved amongst the trees and no more saplings have been harmed. But, when my husband and I are about to embark on new, difficult terrain, I stop and ask myself the question, am I doing this for me?